Your Father Smelt of Elderberries

I was thinking this morning about some of the greatest movie scenes of all time. Being curious what others felt were the greatest cinematic scenes, I consulted with my good friend, Google to provide me with the answer. Here is a sampling of search results:

The Birds - The School Yard scene

Lady and the Tramp - The Spaghetti Scene

The Exorcist - Full Head Swivel (Sorry, no pictures for this scene. This is a family blog.)

To Kill a Mockingbird - Boo Radley revealed

Singin’ in the Rain - The Rain Dance scene

Casablanca - The Goodbye

and finally, at the top of many lists,
Saving Private Ryan - The D-Day Invasion

All fine choices, certainly worthy of any award which they receive..

However, there is one glaring omission from this list. There is one scene that should rank near the top of any “Best of” movie scene list. The reason why its omission is essentially unforgivable is the simple fact that it has been a ground-breaking piece in the formation of the sense of humor of scores of young people with minds impressionable to pop culture, such as mine.

The scene to which I refer occurs in one of the all-time classics, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. My fondness for the scene likely says more about me than anything that any critic has ever said about the film.

This award-winning sequence takes place as King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table approach a heavily-fortified French castle. After exchanging pleasantries with the French guards, who are safely perched atop the castle walls, King Arthur demands to be granted entrance to the castle to view the purported Holy Grail which is contained inside. The dialogue goes as follows (Soldier parts to read in an outrageous, thick, French accent):

Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.
Whose castle is this?
Soldier: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard.
A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
  quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us
  in our quest for the Holy Grail.
S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got
  one, you see?
A: What?
Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one!
A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?
S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.
  (to the other soldiers:)  I told 'em we've already *got* one!
  (they snicker)
A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?
S: Of course not!  You are English types.
A: Well, what are you then?
S: (Indignant) Ah'm French!  Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous
  accent, you silly king?!
Galahad: What are you doing in *England*?
S: Mind your own business!
A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your bottoms, son of a
  silly person!  Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"!  You and
  all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!
(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his
tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)

Galahad: What a strange person.
A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough
  wiper!  Ah fart in your general direction!  Your mother was a hamster, and
  your father smelt of elderberries!Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?S: No!!  Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

Here is the scene in its' entirety:

One of the great insult sequences ever captured on the big screen, to be certain. In my opinion, with kids these days there are far too few elderberry references used while hurling routine schoolyard insults. Plenty of hamster references, but not nearly enough elderberry references.

Recently, I was on an early morning bike ride with a friend. We had just finished a nice section of country road and were passing through a fairly busy highway intersection as we made our way back toward town. We had just seen a couple of cars full of some friends who were on their way to spend the day in the mountains.

Moments after they passed, another vehicle, this time an old, beat-up farm truck, slowed as it approached us. Wondering if it were possible to see three different people that I knew on this lonely stretch of road, I craned my neck to see who it was that had slowed their truck. The driver, a burly-looking, unshaven and unkempt man in his early 50s, leaned out of the driver’s side window. In response to the cycling jersey that I was wearing, he yelled, “BYU sucks!!! Oregon Ducks Rule!!!”.

In the back of the truck were 2 mid-sized crates, who’s occupants were a couple of old farm goats. As the driver accelerated past us up the road, his goats began bleating loudly at us as we stood straddling our bikes. It was as if they were a couple of their driver’s toadies, joining him in his derision, parroting his mockery of two lycra-clad cyclists wearing BYU gear.

Now, I’ve been mocked plenty of times while riding my bike. But never by a couple of caged goats. And while I’m not sure what it was that they were actually saying, I’m sure it was intended to hurt me very, very deeply. 

While it wasn’t their expected response, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at what had just happened. I had just been insulted by a Duck fan and a couple of old farm goats. Please don’t tell the goats that I laughed. I’m sure that as I type this they are yucking it up the barn, telling all of the other animals how they burned a couple of goofy looking guys wearing tight pants and funny hats.

While they were not nearly as articulate as were the Frenchie’s atop the castle wall, the goat’s message was the same - you mess with a goat, you get the scorns.