As I have stated before, there were several movies from my childhood that I have seen so many times that, regardless of whether the volume was turned on or not, it didn’t matter for me to know exactly what was being said at any given moment.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail was one of these movies.
French Soldiers: “Your Mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was another.
Gum-smacking, hair-twirling girl from Ferris’s class: “Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.”
And finally, the crown jewel of them all, the one that I have seen more than all others combined:
Better Off Dead.
Charles DeMar: This is pure snow! It's everywhere! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?
Charles DeMar: I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.
Howard Cosell: Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.
Lane Myer: [talking about skiing the K-12] Look Charles, I gotta do this. If I don't, I'll be nothing. I'll end up like my neighbor Ricky Smith. He just sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray.
Charles De Mar: He snorts nasal spray? Know where I can score some?
If I were born 15 years later, there is no question which movie would be my “new” Better Off Dead. There is one movie which has risen above all others to become an instant cult classic among high school movie geeks. Even more so among Mormon High School movie geeks.
Two Words -
“Tina, you fat lard!!! Come and get some dinner!!!”
That’s right, watching Napoleon Dynamite is a guilty pleasure of mine, thanks to all of the brilliant, deadpan one-liners uttered by Napoleon and his band of Preston, Idaho misfits. Here are a few of my favorites:
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Rex: After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
Napoleon: You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bow staff.
As I read them here, out of context and independent of seeing the movie, these quotes are not all that funny. But seeing the movie and having experienced small-town Idaho and knowing people who could be those characters gives it whole new meaning.
Several months ago, I was on an early morning bike ride before work with a friend when I had my own little Napoleon Dynamite moment. No, it did not involve smashed tater tots or throwing the pigskin a quarter of a mile. But yes, it did almost exactly resemble a brief scene from the movie.
Our normal early morning bike route takes us about 10 miles into the countryside before turning us around to head back home. When we were about 6 or 7 miles from home, we were passing alongside several small farms. One of those farms has several dozen head of cattle in the field near the house. We rarely see the cows anywhere near the road, as they are typically several hundred yards away.
On this particular morning there were three farmers standing next to the fence right by the road. Two of the guys were leaning casually against the wooden fence posts, with the third standing about 5 feet in front of and between them. Standing about 15 feet in front of him was a lone, solitary cow. She was as docile as most cows are, casually chewing her cud, while gazing intently at the three farmers.
As we rolled up closer to the farmers, we saw that the middle one had something in his hand, although it was hard to tell at first what it was. We continued to travel closer until we were nearly equal to them along the street. As we did so, in an instant the middle farmer raised his rifle that he had previously been discretely holding in his hand to his side. Knowing immediately what was going to happen next, we surmised that there was no way that he was going to do the deed with two bicyclist just a few short feet away.
Well, we surmised incorrectly. Just as we were parallel to that poor, unsuspecting bovine, no more than 15 feet from where it stood, we heard a deafening “BOOM!!!” come from right behind us. A split second later, the cow dropped where it stood - killed in an instant by a single blast from that farmer’s rifle.
We were speechless. Could this be possible? Did that farmer really just blow that cow’s brains to smithereens right before our eyes? Yes, he most certainly.
I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry.
In an instant, I was scarred for life, my memory branded with the lasting images of that innocent cow, one moment peacefully minding her own business eating grass in a field; the next moment pushing up daisies in that very same field. I now understand the sheer terror that those poor, unsuspecting, innocent children on that school bus must have felt in Napoleon Dynamite when they witnessed the very same incident occur, also just a few feet away from where they sat.
We should form a support group.
RIP, Betsy. RIP.
